Absolute love for Alchera

This post is a review of sorts, but it requires backstory. Sit with me on this one.

Last year, when I went to Pennsylvania, I brought a gift with me. My Stacey is practically a sister to me, even though we're not related by blood. And I had discovered a strand of love beads by chance one day. It seemed only appropriate to gift her with the love beads. So I prayed over them and took them with me to give to Stace.

Isn't she gorgeous? She never believes me. But she is.

Needless to say, they were a fantastic gift and she informed me that she loved wearing them and they really helped her out spiritually and emotionally. I was positively thrilled. It was like a tangible form of the emotional bond that we have. We'd grown up together and been the closest of friends. We swore we'd both get out of Pennsylvania and whoever left first would come back to get the other. We were going to be famous.

During the concert.

Well, I left Pennsylvania, but it wasn't to follow my dreams of music or fame. I had joined the Navy. I went to Illinois for boot camp, then Pensacola for A-school. And ever since, I have been on the west coast. Getting to go home this past summer to see the LFO concert with her was like a little family reunion. So much fun. And like a good dream, it was over far too soon.

After the concert. Hanging out backstage.

Back. Stage. Backstage!

Fast forward to this year. 2010 has not been kind to either of us, but to Stacey most of all. We've been through some seriously tough stuff together, but this just sort of made everything else seem like small beans. Her brother was killed. There still remains a lot of speculation about the whole situation and what may or may not have happened. I have never felt more upset and frustrated that I couldn't simply hop a flight home to be with her and her family during this especially difficult time.

Then, last week, came an e-mail from Stacey at work. Her love beads had broken. The beads were lost. It was all a mess and she was having a terrible morning. I immediately took to Etsy to find the shop where I'd ordered my mala to see if they would make a set of beads for us.

This time, there would be two. I would do the one thing that I was capable of doing and replace the beads for her as quickly as possible, and I would have a set for myself.

The shop I'd ordered a japa mala from previously was no longer active.

So began the great search for prayer beads. I have never had my dislike for Twilight solidified so much. But I also discovered that Etsy is a place where some of the world's most amazing, talented, and gifted people reside.

I found Katherine, owner of Alchera.

She creates some of the most beautiful rosaries, prayer beads, and malas I have ever seen. I was drawn to the "Red and Green Angel Soldier Rosary" immediately, so I purchased those and proceeded to convo her to see if she could make me a custom pair of prayer beads - one for me, one for Stace.

We talked and she told me about the superstition in regards to prayer beads breaking: That their breaking means you're entering a new stage in your life and to keep the beads would hold yourself in the past.

I was relieved and prayed this meant good things for Stacey. We conversed some more as I gave her the details of mine and Stacey's friendship and sisterly bond, color preferences and symbols we felt drawn to.

The end result of her creativity is... amazing. I'm providing the photo from her shop because I cannot get the lighting in my home to cooperate to truly illustrate how beautiful the prayer beads are. It's incredible. She was quick with her work, but you can feel the care that was taken with these pieces.

I know Stacey is going to love hers. I e-mailed her the photo and she was so very touched.

And I know for sure I'm going to be shopping here again. Katherine provides such amazing customer service and is wonderfully easy to talk to. Aside from ordering from fellow mamas I'm already friendly with, this has been quite possibly the best transaction I've ever had on Etsy.

Katherine, thank you, so very much. You've touched my heart and my soul and I'm so very grateful.

If you'd like to check out Katherine on Etsy, you can find her at Alchera Prayer Shoppe, and she also sells vintage items and supplies at Autumn Fall. Support independent artisans!

The strangest cold remedy I've ever tried

The past day or so I've been having some severe issues with congestion. All up in my nose, blocking my sinuses and draining all at the same time, so I get that funny tickle in the back of my throat. It's probably making me snore for the first time in my life (no, please don't ask MarvMan if I snore at all), and it's definitely been making it unpleasant to breathe through my nose.

So all day yesterday it was Star Wars reenactment day in my house. You know, just so it didn't seem odd that I was breathing through my mouth and all. Darth Mama.

But after even a steam with some Apple Cider Vinegar (ACV)*, a steaming hot shower, and a neti rinse**, my congestion was still giving me issues, I had to find something. Anything.

I'm a fan of homeopathic remedies. So I went to Earth Clinic and started nosing around. It was then that I came across Jean's Spicy Tomato Tea. This, friends, is the weirdest thing you'll ever make. But I swear to you it works.

TOMATO TEA RECIPE
2 cups V8 Juice
2-3 cloves Garlic crushed (use more if you can)
2 T Lemon Juice
Hot Sauce (the more the better, so as much as you can handle)

Mix and heat in a pan or in the microwave. Sip slowly and re-warm as needed to get the full effects of the fumes. Let it sit in the back of your throat to bathe it. Suck the fumes through your sinuses and also down into your lungs. Its all natural and healthy, so drink as much of it as you want or need until you are SURE the infection is gone. This is past the time when you "feel better."

Don't get me wrong. I'm all behind you on the, "Seriously?" line of thinking. I thought it was the weirdest thing ever. I gave MarvMan the list of stuff I needed for it and he thought I wanted to make Bloody Mary's, and was going to rely on the power of alcohol to cure my cold. (Which also seemed like an attractive option at the time, too.)

I steamed my face in there after it came out of the microwave. And then I sipped on it. My left sinus opened up. I cried in joy. Or maybe it was from the excess hot sauce. I'm really not sure. But it was beautiful.

I put the rest in the fridgie and have it heating on the stove right now. It's just warming, the fumes circulating through the kitchen and living room, and already my right sinus has opened. Oh. My. Gawd. I can breathe. Ahhhhhh.

There's still some residual snot, but I'm sticking with this tomato tea. Thank you, Jean, for your wacky combination of ingredients. I may just make a Bloody Mary this weekend and toast you, you brilliant woman.

*ACV is a fabulous remedy for a lot of stuff. Go Google it. Steaming with it involves warming it up and shoving your face in the mug or holding your face over the steam from the saucepan on the stove - please use common sense and be careful.

**My neti pot is a lifesaver when I have sinus issues. Also Google worthy. I scored mine at a natural market in Rapid City, SD, when we were there visiting MarvMan's family.

I heart merch.

I do. I honestly do. I love merch from concerts I've been to that proudly display who I love - musically speaking. Which is why I'm super excited to tell you about something I've been waiting for. For, like, ever. Okay, maybe not forever, but definitely for a good long time.

Remember when I told you about my trip to PA?

And going to see LFO?

And how I also got to see and hang out with Kiernan McMullan?

You know, where Kiernan put a sticker on my hand? Cause I love stickers?

Well, guess what? Kiernan's got a merch store! Finally!

You guys have no idea how thrilled I am. I'm ordering myself a shirt this afternoon. Please, please, please: go check him out and go buy a CD. Because Kiernan is not only an amazingly talented musician, he's a really kick ass kind of guy. And he is so deserving of your love.

In fact - you should thank me for introducing you two. Kiernan, this is my readership. Lovely readership? This is Kiernan. Enjoy each other. Get to know each other. It's fabulous.

Go to:

http://www.kiernanmcmullanmerch.com for more.

You can also find Kiernan on iTunes.

What are you waiting for? Go!

Fine. I'll stay here and watch this video while you're gone. And when you come back, you can thank me. ;)

*The previous post was not in any way asked of me to do, nor am I being compensated for it. (And Kiernan, if you see this, I'm not expecting compensation of any kind, either. Unless you really wanna send me more stickers. From Staples.) I simply love Kiernan's music and want to do whatever I can in whatever way I can to help him out.

Shiny new toy and an experiment.

So yesterday was a pretty darn exciting day in our household. We'd gotten sick of Alltel and their heinous ways - who wants to pay $130 a month for a basic plan with internet on only one phone of the two on the plan and you still get charged extra for even using the internet? After having gone in to the store out in town and being told the same thing, "No, you cannot upgrade your plan, and no, we will not replace the crappy phone we gave you that we know is crappy with an updated model." We got sick of being mistreated and decided to go with another company all together.

Read: I nagged MarvMan shamelessly til he caved.

We decided to go with Verizon and - joy, of all joys - MarvMan agreed to smartphones! But not just any smartphones folks. BlackBerries. BlackBerry Storms.*

*Yes, I'm a member of the Almighty Cult of Apple. But I haven't heard good things about AT&T, and much as I might want an iPhone, I can't be trapped with a crappy company just for the sake of Apple. I'm still a loyal customer for everything else, though. Promise. (secret Apple sign of peace here)





I have been so insanely happy with this phone so far. I think I'm in love. And, of course, I got the pink silicone case for it. And while I can't get a decent photo of the screen itself, I can tell you that I got my theme from Themes4BB.com, which has proven to be an awesome site so far!










Really, there should perhaps be a law against being in love with your phone. But until then, I'm going to pose a couple questions for everyone:








What are your favorite mobile apps?
Best app for Twitter?
Games I will probably not want to stop playing?

I mean, if I can't stop playing on it in the first place, I might as well find some games to occupy my time as well!

Scar Tissue

So I just finished reading Anthony Kiedis's memoir, Scar Tissue, last night. And I have to say, I was thoroughly impressed.

I feel the need to preface the gushing that's about to follow by saying that I am not a fan of nonfiction. It's not my thing for two reasons:

1. I'm not generally interested in reading an entire book on a singular topic that's not an instructional guide. I lose interest quickly.
   
2. I'm also not a fan of reading other people wax poetic about themselves and their lives. It's just not my thing. If I wanted to do that, I'd write about my own life. (Which is perhaps what this blog is for. So thank you for taking the time to read my drivel. You're an angel.)

That said, I originally saw the book at Barnes & Noble in Reno about a month or so back. I couldn't help it - with a cover like that, how could anyone not look? So I have to confess that the fact that Anthony Kiedis is made of pure sexy had a lot to do with the purchase of the book. However, I didn't buy it at first sight. The book wooed me from afar until I had to go to Reno yet again, this time to pick up MarvMan from the airport after he'd finished schooling in Virginia.

As soon as I walked into the Barnes & Noble again, I was consumed with finding this book and buying it that day. I'd originally seen it featured upstairs and spent a good half hour searching it out before finally asking someone, "Look, I'm in a bind. I'm on a time schedule and I desperately need to find Anthony Kiedis's book, Scar Tissue. The computer search system isn't cooperating with me and I've got two small children who are unhappy. Where has it gone?" Lucky for me it wasn't sold out, it had been moved downstairs in the Rock books. Huzzah!

And still it took me a week or two more before I read it. I had two other books I was reading at the time, another of which was also nonfiction, and I was struggling. Thankfully, I finished one of the two books and cracked Scar Tissue open.

Right from the get go, I was drawn in by Kiedis's ability to make the reader feel as though you're simply having a conversation with him. At times I truly felt as though we were sitting together somewhere and I was listening to him recount his life for me. (Which, given his gorgeous voice, I really wouldn't mind if he was simply reading a grocery list.) His voice is clear, unique, and strong throughout the entire book. Kiedis is a capable and straightfoward writer - the book never loses momentum and everything is laid bare in equal detail for the reader to see. It's peppered with vulgarity, and yet it's never an unnecessary sort of vulgarity. It's not there for the sake of being shocking - many things that have happened to Kiedis are shocking enough - or being crass. It's simply that the word fits.

The most moving part of the book is his attitude toward life, and the sincerity and honesty with which he recounted his life and career with the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I thought I admired and loved the band before? Even more so now. His experiences were eye-opening and the story of his life as a whole was not only touching, it was, for lack of a better word, very raw and real. I was able to relate on some levels to his struggles with addiction, having been there before myself, and despite the general obstacle of not even knowing this man, I felt empathetic toward him, finding myself laughing at some experiences and crying at others.

His reverence toward the women who have come and gone in his life is positively refreshing, and wholly unexpected given modern attitudes toward women, specifically those that populate Hollywood. The bond between Kiedis and his bandmates is clearly felt, even when retelling rough times between them. It's easy to see why the band has been one of the most influential of our time and clearly one of the most magnetic.

The back cover reads that it is "a story of dedication and debauchery, of intrigue and integrity, of recklessness and redemption." And it truly is; that and so very much more. I'm so glad I followed that sudden compulsion and picked up this book - I'm certain I'll be reading it again in the future.

Just a Bit of Clarification

Those of you who read my post prior to this know that I've uh... broadcast my dislike of Twilight. And I think maybe some people deserve a bit of clarification.

Those of you who may have taken my posts personally - I'm very sorry. For as much as there are people who are going to run around and shout from the rooftops how much they love it, there needs to be room for those who don't like it to air their side. (FYI, Stephen King doesn't think Meyer is very good either.)

One thing that I do want to emphasize, that is continually being missed, is that these books weren't originally intended for adults. They were, and still are, YA novels. (YA = young adult) The YA genre is marketed for the 12-18 year old age range. So let me ask you this. If your daughter (or your hypothetical daughter; c'mon, play with me here) were to read this and take it to heart, how would you feel?

Edward is a mentally, verbally, and emotionally abusive character purported to be a protagonist. Now your daughter wants to find a man like this. Or perhaps she simply wants to find a boyfriend who's going to bite her neck. A lot. Even worse, she might want to find a boyfriend who sparkles. Does that dazzle you?

Bella does practically nothing throughout the series except get herself into dangerous situations (occasionally on purpose so she can see Edward when he comes to "rescue her"), get pregnant and then allow someone to perform an oral c-section on her to remove said hellspawn. Is this the kind of role model you want for your daughter? Never mind that her character had me wanting to slap people by the third chapter. Do you want to be a mother to the next Bella Swan? Really?

The books, through their plot line, put teen pregnancy in a positive light. You know, as long as it's true love. Now, I can't say much for premarital sex seeing as I had my first daughter seven months prior to actually getting married, but can you see where this is probably not a good thing? Bella drops any and all future plans (hello, college? Bella's not coming, kthnx.) because she's in "love" with Edward and wants to have his hellspawn babies despite knowing that it will most likely kill her. How many of you were in real love at the age of 17? Come on.

I'm not even going to cover the strangeness of Edward gnawing Bella's uterus open in order to deliver the LochNessie CullenMonster. Or Jacob "imprinting" himself on the wee one. Really? I mean... Wow. It all comes across as though Meyer was grasping at straws seeing as she made her vampires fangless, "vegetarian," and sparkly. It contradicts everything we've ever been taught about vampire legends in folklore the world over. And yet there are millions who swallow it down for whatever reason. But what worries me the most are the young girls who practically idolize Meyer and emulate Bella and are searching for their Edward Cullen.

Doesn't this concern anyone? At all? Is no one worried about their kids desperately trying to follow these examples?

What it comes down to - what it always comes down to with books like these - is parental supervision and interaction when reading the books. It could be a fabulous model for how not to write and what not to do when confronted with a sparkly dude who watches you sleep and whose biggest attraction to you is that he wants to kill you. (Hint: Call the friggin cops is a good idea. Getting yourself impregnated is a bad idea.) Unfortunately, parental supervision and involvement these days is few and far between.

Anyway, I just wanted to clear the air. I promise I'll get back to my regularly semi-scheduled blogging as soon as I come up for air underneath the mounds of school work I've got to do. Smooches.

Why I Don't Like Twilight

(aka Vampires Are Not Disco Balls)

This is long. Settle in with some coffee if you've got time. This piece is the culminating piece in my attempt at slogging through the Twilight series.

Disclaimer: If you don't understand what this note is about by the title, I am not at fault for hurt feelings. If people can moon and fawn over the book series, those of us who don't like it should be allowed our chance to rip it apart. This is that chance and it is going to be bitingly honest.

You've been warned.

I'm going to forget about the poor formatting. I won't even mention the absolutely horrid use of a thesaurus - except to say that someone should have taken Meyer's copy and beaten her over the head with it. I will even be so kind as to let it slip from my mind that the pacing of the books has absolutely no coherent time flow and seems to be subject to the whimsy of the author; much like an ant hill with a three year old holding a magnifying glass squatting above it. Cackling with glee, might I add. I would say evil glee, but the three year old doesn't know what he's destroying. Part of me wonders if Meyer knew what she was doing. Perhaps if it was on purpose and she didn't take herself so seriously, I could forgive this utterly grievous piece of drivel.

Since I have thoroughly dismissed all technical issues, this leaves us with merely characterization and plotting. However, these seem to be the most problematic. As I've said previously, I will do my best to be honest without being crude. I make no guarantees, but I'll give it a whirl.

Almost all the characters fall positively flat. There is a decided lack of depth to any of them. What is there to care about? Poor Bella Swan is the new girl in Forks, WA. It is never explained to us why she moved from Phoenix, we are just supposed to accept it. The dumb, docile, sheep-like readers that we are assumed to be. And instead of showing any true test of character, rather than being ostracized when transferring in to a new high school as is usually the case in most normal high schools, Bella is fawned over and adored by students and faculty alike. She is instantly the object of affection of two supernatural beings - who are obviously DaVinci-like in their beauty - along with three other boys. But none are good enough for her. Not even Bella's parents are good enough for her, it seems. We never see her call them Mom or Dad unless coaxed to do so. That's right, kiddos, just call your parents by their first names. It's not disrespect, all the cool kids do it!

And if you didn't notice it by doing your research on the author after reading the book, I'll fill you in. Bella Swan is Stephenie Meyer. Talk about the self-insertion no-no number one. (If you want to know what the self-insertion rules are when it comes to writing, I'll give you a hint: don't freaking do it!) Bella was actually the name that Meyer was going to give to her daughter. The actress who plays Bella in the movie looks freakishly like a younger version of Meyer. What's wrong, Stephenie? Couldn't create a true, original character?

Oh, wait. She did. Or at least, she tried to. The sparkly vampire from her dream. We'll get to the glitter whore bit in a minute. Edward is so utterly lacking in any form of characterization, Meyer even went so far as to describe his skin as "cold marble." Well, thank you, Meyer. You stole the words straight out of my mouth and have now plunked a chunk of my dream counter top in your story. And Edward is about as personable, likable and attractive as a chunk of counter top. Wait, I take that back. Because I actually would hug and kiss my counters if they were marble. Who in the hell finds a hunk of marble that could - nay, would given the chance - kill you?

And since we're on the subject of Edward's creepiness... Who in their right mind finds someone who is in love with you purely because they want to kill you to be romantic? Who finds a control freak to be sexy? Listen, I have dated some psychos, but Edward's kind? Takes the cake. Because you know what it is? It's an abusive relationship. There doesn't need to be any marks for it to be abusive. He is controlling, obsessive, and more than a little creepy. He does absolutely nothing to correct Bella when she says things like she's not good enough for him. BULL! Given a real personality, I bet Bella would make quite the lovely Miss Congeniality. And if Edward being controlling wasn't bad enough, we also add in the fact that he is a super creepy stalker! No, no, hush - this is my turn. You fan!girls shush. Because if you were laying in your bed, sleeping, and woke up to find somebody outside your window you'd have your shotgun on them, two shells spent and then 911 on the phone, okay? What, simply because he's a vampire, stalking has now become okay?! (Seriously, somebody give me that get out of jail free card - I got some NKotB men to go stalking...)

The thing is, Edward's not even a very good vampire at that! I'm going to say this as nicely as possible. Vampires. Don't. Sparkle. (See how I didn't use all caps? I think I've grown.) It's a convenient plot gimmick that we're expected to believe simply because we are the mindless, sheep-like readers. Don't you see when an author is pulling one over on you? He doesn't die in the sun, he's apparently immortal and impervious to everything - except heat because he's "cold as ice" - and on top of that he drinks animal blood and is okay! Look, animal blood is second rate to human blood when it comes to the mythology of vampires. Trust me, I've done the research (and have wasted a 50,000 word manuscript proving it with extra scientific research to back it up). Even in the short-lived TV drama series "Moonlight", which had its insanely ridiculous moments, the main character (despite being a bad-turned-good-guy) still drank human blood. If you want to change it? I'm going to need a whole book's worth of explanation and buildup. I'm sorry, I am not the kind of reader who's going to sit back, nod and smile.

Oh, but Lindsey, it's crack!fiction. You can't take it so seriously. Bullshit. This is the kind of crap we're marketing to tweens! Not even full-fledged teens, people. We're teaching them that abusive relationships are okay, teen pregnancy is acceptable provided that it's with someone who at least considers themselves a supernatural being of sorts, and that bad writing gets published! The kicker, perhaps, is that there are women who want their significant others to be more like Edward. Or even Jacob! And don't get me started on that. His love for Bella gets thwarted, but it's okay because Bella winds up giving birth to a demon child that Jacob then takes and "imprints" himself on. But that's not pedophilia because she'll magically be full-grown by the time she's seven. You want the erotics of restraint? Go read Anne Bishop's "The Black Jewels Trilogy". A 50,000 year old man in love with a girl he knows is his soul mate, but he waits until she's old enough to make the choice to be with him, and even then it isn't until the final book that they're actually together in a romantic context.

And you know what? Pardon me for asking for a piece of fiction that I can read and one day pass on to my daughters. Pardon me for wanting something actually worth their time and something that will teach them what's appropriate to look for in a relationship. There are plenty of books out there that are crack!fiction without being completely lacking when it comes to any form of logical thought put behind it. I would rather stick a Harlequin in Anaya's hands than let her read this crap. At least then she'll believe she should be swept off her feet and carried off into the sunset, as opposed to told what to do and nothing more than a pawn in the hands of a psycho who may or may not kill her.

You just have to give it time. It's her first book. You can't expect her best work right out of the gate. Don't give me that. She's the one they decided should be published. She's the one that someone looked at her and said, "Hey, your writing's pretty okay. We're going to publish your manuscript!" And simply because of that, I deserve the best. Straight out the gate. This woman is thirty five years old and she has an editor. There is no excuse for piss poor writing, formatting, plotting, and characterization. I didn't even like "P.S. I Love You" all that much, but that book was better and the author was 22 when it was published.

I think the crowning glory of this entire piece of garbage is that everyone gets their happy ending. Don't worry, you, too, can be a swooning do-nothing heroine and as long as you stay with creepy sparkly abusive vampire dude, you will have your happy ending. There was so much potential for some strong female characters and... nothing. Meyer didn't do anything with them except slap them into their usual roles of wilting damsel in distress.

Good job, Meyer. Disney is so proud.

Gratitude, Gratitude, All Around

Recently, I took up yoga again. I've always been sort of off and on about it - it's always intrigued me, but of course, I never kept up with it. Over on Granola Chicks, we've been doing what we can to change our eating habits and lifestyles and get in shape together. So yoga has become a part of my life once more.

Enter @yoga_mama on Twitter. LaSara Firefox. She graciously began following me on Twitter. Her tweets about being grateful for yoga reminded me to do my yoga if I hadn't done any that day. And through her, I was introduced to this amazing thing called Gratitude Games. It started off with posting on Twitter what we're grateful for and turned into getting the Gratitude Games set.

I'm so in love. I know they've brought MarvMan and I closer. And I'm so grateful to be able to be teaching the concept of gratitude to my girls at such a young age. Especially Anaya. When you ask Breanne what she's grateful for, she tells you, "Bah, dan-dyuu, DAH!" Which, loosely translated, means something along the lines of cereal, thank you, DAD!! But Anaya?

The most touching words that ever came out of her mouth because of playing Gratitude Games were, "I'm grateful that you're you, Mommy." Coming from a three year old, who can be one of the harshest critics ever, I was brought to tears.

We've also played them in the truck when we were going to be in there for an extended period of time. Trust me, the cab of the truck is a cramped, uncomfortable space for any amount of time longer than, say, an hour. Or two. Maybe. But the truck became a space full of love and laughter while we played Gratitude Games with each other. A million times better than License Plate Alphabet or 20 Questions.

Let me tell you - if nothing else, get them for the artwork, which is amazing. (Highly recommend printing them out on cardstock. It's so amazingly worth it - they'll be a family heirloom for sure.) But once you've got them, you'll be so... well... grateful! Gratitude Games is not only fun, but can be life changing. There are games for children to adults, and games that can be played in the car, in the living room, in the kitchen, the bedroom, while MarvMan is in the shower - gratitude is everywhere.

And it is such a beautiful, beautiful thing.Why don't you start by giving @yoga_mama a follow on Twitter - trust me, you'll love what gratitude can do for you.

Rock Your Wire Rocks My World

Ever since I came across the vortex earrings in the Rock Your Wire Etsy shop, I knew I had to have them. It was the epitome of Wayne's World moments for me. "They will be mine. Oh, yes, they will be mine."

But I had to wait. And plot, and plan. Because money had been tight. Of course, once payday hit, there was no more cinching of the belt and I had spending money!! And I threw in a new nose ring, to boot. Why? Because I could. And that's the only reason anyone will ever need.

They're mine! They're all mine! (insert maniacal laughter here)


And yes, I've got quite the wish list for more stuff from her shop. You should go check it out. Amazing designs, fabulous customer service and efficient shipping!! Go on, go!!

(I'm totally aware of the blurriness of the photos. MarvMan doesn't do photo taking, apparently, and my hands were shaky.)

A Phenomenal Invitation

...to read some outrageously bad writing.

I did it. I read chapters three and four of Twilight. Just for you, my darling followers. I've been told it gets better, and I've been told eventually the story will pull me in.

Well, it hasn't gotten worse, so I suppose I could give it at least that. But even then, that's only in respect to the grammar, spelling, and formatting issues. It's remaining consistently cringe worthy.

The plot itself continues to be flat and stale, even though in the third chapter Bella is almost hit by a van. It amazes me that absolutely no one milling around in the school parking lot noticed that Edward!god (just in case we forget the comparison) magically moved four parking spaces in a split second.

Quite frankly, I was actually grateful for the almost roadkill Bella. It was a refreshing break from the Bella that was stumbling, fumbling and tripping her way through school. Unfortunately, Meyer manages to make Bella stumble right there in the emergency room. Honestly, this little quirk, plot device, or whatever you'd like to call it, is quite irritating. There's at least one incident per chapter where this girl falls, stumbles, trips - something.

And let me say it here and now - I am not the most graceful person on the face of the planet by any means. Baby gates continually trip me up, my own two feet plot against me, and I've spilled my fair share (plus a couple) of drinks and other assorted foodstuffs. Perhaps I've met my klutz match in Bella Swan, but even in my most awkward of teen phases I have never, nor have I ever seen anyone, fall quite so much as this girl. Makes you wonder what kind of health care plan her parents have. Insurance? Liability? Is she a fully insured pedestrian?

Enough about klutz-hood. There are other issues to tackle. We're only in chapter three and already Bella is dreaming about Edward. And she can see in her dreams that he glows. Glitters. Flashes. Sparkles. Whatever. Either he's a long lost member of the BeeGees or Bella's personifying him as a god in her mind. I say mind instead of subconscious because, well, the only adjectives Meyer could come up with to describe Edward revolve around the words glorious, various references to angels and other sanctified beings. If you're going to compare a member of the undead, try something not related to the righteously holy.

All in all, three and four weren't remarkable in any way except for a continuation of Bella's utterly unhealthy infatuation and glimpses into Edward's bi-polar attitude. When you save someone's life, it had better be because you at least like the person. Instead, he saves her and then we're back to Edward might semi-hate her.

And didn't you know it's because she's not good enough for him? There's at least a good half a page of emo swill about how she's so undeserving because he's just so handsome and beautiful and just... ahhh, perfect.

Gag me.

I think the thing that gets me the most is that I could easily write this off as teen swill. Something to appease the masses. But already the book is promoting unhealthy semi-romantic relationships, poor decision making - are you really going to let a seventeen year old go to Seattle by herself? If you answer yes, I have a skillet with your name on it - and a disparaging self-image in the name of a crush without any hope of improvement. If there is any improvement in Bella's self-image, the only vehicle I can see Meyer using to get there is Edward, and what sort of thought process is that? The only way to feel good about yourself is to fall hopelessly and mindlessly in love with someone who has to restrain himself from killing you on a daily basis?

The other aspect that confounds me - take it for what you will as I'm only four chapters in - is that grown women read this. And love it. Singing its praises and defending it all over the interwebz with all the comprehensiveness of their teenage counterparts. I, for one and as a twenty-something reader, am decidedly unimpressed.

Can I please close this "Open Book"?

Those of you following this blog should be aware - I love you all. Immensely. This book is going to drive me nuts.

For those just joining, I'm reading (or trying to read) Twilight, by Stephenie Meyer. I'm sure you've heard of it. It's apparently the stuff of dreams for everyone from 12 year old girls to 40 year old women.

I made it through chapter one with only a few issues, bumps and bruises. Now I've finished chapter two. The "it doesn't look promising" from last post? It only heightens in this one. I'll start with the grammar issues first.

Citing an example: "... with Chess Club Eric glaring at him all the while; that was nattering." Nattering? Woman, do you even know the definition of the word "nattering"? It's a verb. Which means it is an action word, Mrs. Meyer, in case you forgot your basic English classes. The feeble attempt at the useage of what might be considered a "complex" word has failed. Horribly.

I'd also like to take a moment to express my severe dislike for whoever has worked with Meyer on this book. Obviously, they were paid to do nothing. Therefore, I am jealous and in a state of severe dislike for them.

Grammar issues aside, the book is proving to be a quick read, if only becaue the prose and storytelling is so very lacking in anything that would make it worth actually reading. Instead, I'm finding myself skipping the sentences that don't make sense. By the time I've read two to three sentences further, either I've been able to figure out what in the world this insane woman was trying to say, or it just doesn't matter anymore.

Besides that, the author's main character is so devoid of passion for anything - let alone a full and complete personality - that I would much rather read an emo kid's journal than what Meyer put in for, what I can only assume is, filler.

Since we're on subject, let's talk about the plot for this chapter. Of which there isn't much to speak, but I'll try anyway. Bella's mother is obviously overattached and Charlie (her father) doesn't know how to cook - no one can live without our precious Bella, didn't you know.

Neither, it seems, can Edward, who is missing from school for a week. I know what you're thinking. Since Edward isn't there, why was this chapter written? After only having spent one class together, without having spoken a word to each other, and Edward doing all but run screaming away from Bella- he disappears for a week and Bella is convinced it's because of her. Don't worry, the day is quickly saved. Edward shows up. Apparently he was gone getting a personality adjustment.

Don't let Edward's smiling fool you, though. We next see him out in the parking lot, staring at Bella as she pulls out. I don't know, personally, if I would find that attractive in the least. Someone's staring at you while you're pulling out of a parking lot? Creepy.

I think the most frustrating thing of all is the fact that there's a perfectly nice boy that's interested in Bella. Add to that the possibility that he's one of few characters in this book so far with a personality, and I'm left banging my head against my desk, wondering why a girl would ignore a guy who's obviously interested for the one who's probably plotting to kill her? But hey, I'm older now and am out of touch with kids these days.

Worst line of the chapter award goes to Edward. In the category of "omfg that was so emo". The line?

"You put on a good show," he said slowly. "But I'd be willing to bet that you're suffering more than you let anyone see."

Because suffering is how we describe the whinings of a teenager these days. We can't bruise their little personalities. It's not whining. It's suffering.

Trying to Understand Twilight

I'm really not sure what possessed me to start this. After all the hype, the fuss, the movie and the rabidly obsessed fans, I broke one of my book buying caveats. I broke down and acquired Twilight. Normally, I make it a point to avoid books like this that receive so much attention.

And now that I've read the first chapter, I'm realizing it really all was just a bunch of hype. Welcome to Twilight Hatefest: A Chapter by Chapter Breakdown.

For this first chapter, I'm also including the Preface, simply because it's so short it doesn't deserve a posting all its own.

And since we're on the subject of prefaces - that is not a preface. It's actually a prologue. A preface would explain what the book is going to be about, or perhaps an introduction by a collaborating author. The preface found in Twilight is actually a lesson in all the poor grammar about to be seen by the reader as the book progresses.

A grand majority of the first chapter of the book is our heroine [Bella Swan] bemoaning the fact that she's moving to Forks. Because Washington is a horrible place, you know. I lived there for a few years, whereas the author [Stephenie Meyer] didn't bother to even visit until after she'd published the book. Even for a whiny wanna-be emo teen, Washington is not that horrible.

Even so, I could have let the constant complaints slide had we been given the reason for Bella's moving to Forks right up front. I'm sure it's a plot vehicle for later in the book, but at this point it's a poor one at that. An author can't expect their reader to feel empathy for a character unless there is reason to.

The other parts of the chapter include Bella being quite possibly the biggest klutz on the face of the known planet. There were at least four incidents within the first chapter alone where Bella fell, stumbled, tripped, or otherwise did something to indicate that she's a klutz. Let it be known now, my middle name is certainly not grace, but even I in my most awkward of teenage years did not trip nearly as much as Bella does in one day.

And then, of course, we're introduced to the object of many women's fantasies - even adult, happily married women. Edward Cullen. There were plenty of other people who actually wanted to talk to Bella on her first day of school. But who are we drawn to? The one who leaned away from us during Biology. The one who spent almost one hundred per cent of the wordage he's allotted in the first chapter glaring at Bella.

Because men who glare at us and try to stay as far away from us as possible are huge turn ons.

Also, as a bit of a jab at Meyer's technique, I would love to know who her editor is and draft a letter to that person. Because apparently, they were paid to do absolutely nothing. The sentence structure is such that there were multiple times I had to reread the sentence to be sure I was getting the proper meaning, which is not good. If I'm rereading a sentence or a portion of the book, I prefer it to be because I enjoyed a particular scene or turn of phrase.

For example, in one sentence, Bella dropped her eyes. Really? She dropped her eyes? That seems like a medical problem requiring immediate attention. Of course, we're supposed to smile, nod, and go along with it because it's that author's particular style. However, if that were caught by even a half decent copy editor, she would have dropped her gaze to the table, which would have made more sense.

This is not looking promising.