A Phenomenal Invitation

...to read some outrageously bad writing.

I did it. I read chapters three and four of Twilight. Just for you, my darling followers. I've been told it gets better, and I've been told eventually the story will pull me in.

Well, it hasn't gotten worse, so I suppose I could give it at least that. But even then, that's only in respect to the grammar, spelling, and formatting issues. It's remaining consistently cringe worthy.

The plot itself continues to be flat and stale, even though in the third chapter Bella is almost hit by a van. It amazes me that absolutely no one milling around in the school parking lot noticed that Edward!god (just in case we forget the comparison) magically moved four parking spaces in a split second.

Quite frankly, I was actually grateful for the almost roadkill Bella. It was a refreshing break from the Bella that was stumbling, fumbling and tripping her way through school. Unfortunately, Meyer manages to make Bella stumble right there in the emergency room. Honestly, this little quirk, plot device, or whatever you'd like to call it, is quite irritating. There's at least one incident per chapter where this girl falls, stumbles, trips - something.

And let me say it here and now - I am not the most graceful person on the face of the planet by any means. Baby gates continually trip me up, my own two feet plot against me, and I've spilled my fair share (plus a couple) of drinks and other assorted foodstuffs. Perhaps I've met my klutz match in Bella Swan, but even in my most awkward of teen phases I have never, nor have I ever seen anyone, fall quite so much as this girl. Makes you wonder what kind of health care plan her parents have. Insurance? Liability? Is she a fully insured pedestrian?

Enough about klutz-hood. There are other issues to tackle. We're only in chapter three and already Bella is dreaming about Edward. And she can see in her dreams that he glows. Glitters. Flashes. Sparkles. Whatever. Either he's a long lost member of the BeeGees or Bella's personifying him as a god in her mind. I say mind instead of subconscious because, well, the only adjectives Meyer could come up with to describe Edward revolve around the words glorious, various references to angels and other sanctified beings. If you're going to compare a member of the undead, try something not related to the righteously holy.

All in all, three and four weren't remarkable in any way except for a continuation of Bella's utterly unhealthy infatuation and glimpses into Edward's bi-polar attitude. When you save someone's life, it had better be because you at least like the person. Instead, he saves her and then we're back to Edward might semi-hate her.

And didn't you know it's because she's not good enough for him? There's at least a good half a page of emo swill about how she's so undeserving because he's just so handsome and beautiful and just... ahhh, perfect.

Gag me.

I think the thing that gets me the most is that I could easily write this off as teen swill. Something to appease the masses. But already the book is promoting unhealthy semi-romantic relationships, poor decision making - are you really going to let a seventeen year old go to Seattle by herself? If you answer yes, I have a skillet with your name on it - and a disparaging self-image in the name of a crush without any hope of improvement. If there is any improvement in Bella's self-image, the only vehicle I can see Meyer using to get there is Edward, and what sort of thought process is that? The only way to feel good about yourself is to fall hopelessly and mindlessly in love with someone who has to restrain himself from killing you on a daily basis?

The other aspect that confounds me - take it for what you will as I'm only four chapters in - is that grown women read this. And love it. Singing its praises and defending it all over the interwebz with all the comprehensiveness of their teenage counterparts. I, for one and as a twenty-something reader, am decidedly unimpressed.